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| I was going to close my account but I guess I will drop a line before, Its n't like that many people read it any ways. I am in an awful mood today. I'm tired of life being hard and than every time I turn around someone has to tell me that what I'm doing is unGodly or that what I'm doing is going to open the door for satan in my life. If anyone hasn't notice satan has been in my life every since birth trying to kill me, once he tried to drawn me, once or twice he tried to hang me ( And I'm not talking about satan using people I'm talking about the demons themselves. Call me crazy or whatever but yes I've seen them. There is one that has tried my whole life to kill me), Hell everything I do seem to open a door for satan. I feel as all I have ever done was try to please God in everything I do and it always turns on me. I know that only through Christ can I please God, but I've asked Christ in to my life and tried to live to the fullest in Him. But its to stressful every time I turn around I'm condemned. I know Romans 8:1 I'm not condemned, Then why do I feel as if I'm being punished for the sins others have done against me. I hear all the time It was not your fault but then I get treated as it was my fault. I'm tried and stress. I just want to live life and be free. Move freely, talk freely, eat freely, feel freely, love freely !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel God has turned His back on me. Everyone tells me You know your a sinner and you don't deserve anything.Well, I'm mad! I didn't ask to be born, I didn't ask them men to rape me at the age of 6, 7,8, 11, or 14-21, I did not ask for this life, and yet I am the one in the wrong? No, I cryed to God to get me out and He just lefted me there. I know God was there but why did He not stop it, why did He leave me there to be punished. Why is everything I do and everything ... always wrong. I don't read my Bible enough, Baby I read my bible Twice a day and believed in it and believe that God was going to get me out and he left me in all that s.... and He still left me there! Makes me feel as I didn't (don't) mater to God, which does not surprice me because I didn't mater to my mom, my dad, step dads, grandparents and I still don't. And it's selfish to mater to myself. You know that not even the people at work care.
I just want to hide away, no one seems to care anyways. Friends they just talk to me whenever they want my advice or want me to pray or even well, I have not talked to her in a while I should at lease say hi...Even as a child I felt a lone! I could feel God every once in a while but the presence was not as if He was with me but as He just droped by to say hi and bye. I never really had any friends growing up, people played with me until someone else came along than they joked on me and left me there alone. My first real friend was Laura when I was in high school, even though at times I felt that she was being my friend becaus no one else would. When she met me I had about 3 of them so called friends that left me when someone else came around. Mater of fact we met each through one of them friends. But even with Laura I felt as she was hiding her true feelings about from me. Well, she is moving on in her life and I'm trying to move on in my life and we are pulling apart but that cool because I truely like Laura and know she is a smart Woman. Laura introduced me to Jeff online a few monthes ago, who is a great friend. He is every smart for his age, but again I'm not sure about him, one reason he live far a way from me and we really only IM each other. And I feel I have pushed him away because I use him as a councler to much, he just so smart and I like to know what he would do in alot of situations I have. So truly I'm a lone,the only true 2 friends I have ever had I have pushed away. I even work alone. I work at night at place where everyone has gone home.
I tired of being alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | | |
| Well, I have a hang out date with a guy I like a lot and I'm totally scared. He is so much younger than me but he has a lot of the qualities I remember asking God to put in the man that should be my mate. First of all I was so abused as a child sexually and others that I ask God that the man I am to marry to want the first kiss to be on our wedding day after I do. People told me it was to far fetch, so I gave up on the dream. Matter of fact I forgot it until I was suppose to eat dinner with the guy's dad because he use to be my roommate and I need to get my mail from him. Well, the guy I like had borrowed some movies from me and I wanted them back. So, I invited him to eat with us and he joined us. Well, his father ended up being a hour late. During the conversation he mentioned that he might be old fashion but he wanted his first kiss with his mate to be on their wedding day after the I do's. I thought I was going to faint. And he went on with that he would have trouble holding hand, too, because touching leads to to much thinking. Most of the people I talk to say "What!?" but with the amount of abuse I have been through it was God sent. I have so much trouble with guys touching, it scares the(you know) out of me. Even if it is not meant as anything or an accident.
Plus, this weekend, My roommate and I got into a fight about something dumb. She miss understood me and then took me to literal. We both lost our head and tried to prove our case. I do think she went to far because she involved the whole floor when it should have just been the people in our dorm room and the people over the dorm. Well, I have trouble feeling feelings and God used this to bring out a lot of the feels I hide a way when I was little. I did not know how to react to the feels and then at the same time deal with the present issue. I thank God I handled it better then I did before. I did not hit, I did not even get the urge to hit but I did get a way from her when the yelling began. Today we are to go talk to the people over the dorm. But I don't know if I will be the same because I saw how conniving she is to get her way.
In either situation I will have to trust the Lord and know His word better and that scares me, but I know with Jesus I can do all things and with God all things are possible. | | |
| Lots has been going on since the last time I wrote. God has answered a lot of my prayers. He brought new people into my life to help me focus differently. I have to say that Jeff91199 is an awesome friend. I'm moving into the dorms this weekend, I really excited about that. I do pray within the time I am living at the dorms that I become more balanced in the way I think, talk, focus, and learn.
SOMEONE: Listen to me, O royal daughter; take heart what I say. Forget your people and your homeland far away. For your royal husband delights in your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord. The prince of Tyre will shower you with gifts. People of great wealth will entreat your favor. Psalm 45:10-12 Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. The shame of your youth and the sorrow of widowhood will be remember no more, for your Creator will be your Husband. The Lord Almighty is His name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth. For the Lord has called you back from your grief - as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband," says your God. "For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with great compassion I will take you back. In a moment of anger I turned my face away for a little while. But with everlating love I will have compassion on you," says the Lord, your Redeemer. "Just as I swore in the time of Noah that I would never again let a flood cover the earth and destroy its life, so now I swear that I will never again turn my anger on you. For mountains may depart and the hills disappear, but even then I will remain loyal to you. My covenant of blessing will never be broken," says the Lord, who has mercy on you. Isaiah 54:4-10 | | |
| A couple of weeks ago I was going to break off a friendship that has been a long battle. But I truly felt that satan wanted to destroy this relationship. So, I went to God and I told Him how I felt, why I wanted to give up and why I did not want to give up, I asked Him to step in and make some changes because I could not handle it no more the way it was going. Truthfully I was very angry because I felt like my friend only had me around when she had no one else to be around and she would take more affection then she would give it. Well, that day she called and wanted to hangout I did want to but I did, I wanted to see God's answer to my prayer. I went with her and we pick up "Making Peace with Your Past" by Tim Sledge and "Believing God" by Beth Moore. Both great books. If you decide to do "Making Peace With Your Past" find a great study like "Believing God" about having faith. So, as you are remembering and healing and can still focus on an unfailing God. Back to my friend, we started doing the books together. I had already done "Past" 1 and 1/2 times and had already started on "Believing God." I to learn not to go so deep since you know she never read them before. And that was hard, and still is! I say it has been about 3 weeks now. Grow was slow at first and that is normal but we went out for coffee Saturday and just setting there for about a hour she grow so much. I see now why satan did not want our friendship to last. Her grow at that moment was so big that I know that satan and his demons were shacking in there skin. And today she called me she realized so much even today that the heavenly chorus song louder. See, as long as satan has her in a stronghold he does not have to worry but now that God is destroying the stronghold that satan has and putting HIS MIGHTY HAND AROUND HER!!!!!! Hehehehehe! That's right! Saints it is time to take back what satan stole.
Kathy your doing a great job, keep it up, it might be a slow process but it is worth it!
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| I know I'm going in the right direction because satan attacked yesterday big time, THANK GOD, God is bigger than satan and me. I have always had trouble haering "How wretched I am" because I came from a Family that destroys self esteem. And I knew that I was powerless and was most powerful and I could do nothing without Him, but I had trouble relating it to something in my life even though there is a lot for that to relate to. Yesterday something went through my mind right before I fell a sleep and I know that thaught way not my because I would never do anything like that. So, I prayed and bound in the name of Jesus, and fell a sleep. Then, I had a dream about it (It was horrible!!!!!!!!!!!). When I woke I was scaird I did the thing in me sleep and I really wanted to know if I did. I went the whole day wanting to cry (sad thing it is really hard for me to cry!!!) and not being able to. So, I prayed constently and did my responibilities until I had a chance to really hit my knee which I did when I woke but when something this big hits you just have to fall into the FATHER'S LAP. I talk to 2 friends about it, one is 24 and the other is in her 40's, both are wise and good friends.Well, I receaved 5 scriptures and became confused and ask God to help me understand what He was saying by using one of my friends and it end up the first two scriptures where from satan to comdemn me and the last 3 where right on the mark. Basicly God wanted me to trust that He heard my prayers before I went to sleep and He did not let me do anything that I didn't have control over. If you have ever sleppwalked you know what I'm talking about. You really don't have control your body is doing whatever. By the end of the day I hit the Father's Lap and cried. And It felt so GOOD, To cry and to be held.Well, the Most Powerful, The Supreme, The Most Loving, The God of creation has use 2 things I related to in a bad way and turned them into the right way (His way!) Paise God
Some1- You know that relationship you want with your father, God wants with you! And He can give you them dad desired need with or without her dad. And I can tell you that there is nothing like a big hung hug from God the Father! Mater-a-Fact ask Him right before you go to bed to night for a hug for Him and then relax and fall a sleep and reseve the biggest hug ever! remember He listens and answers! Still believing for God to GIVE you that book! Love YA | | |
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